Thursday, July 03, 2008

Wake Up
I have been having these wierd mixed feeling lately. I seem to wake up in the mornings confused without realizing what the hell I am confused about. It has been bothering me a bit in an enjoyable sort of way since I really haven’t had thoughts that bothered me for quite a while now. But finally, finally realization hit me like a slap in the face at Zenzi (yes yes I have grown to quite like the place contrary to what previous posts might suggest, not that I really had a choice considering everyone wants to meet up at Zenzi). It wasn’t really a tight slap, more like a gentle chiding by a higher force looking out for me perhaps (where the hell were you for the past two years biatcchhh of a guardian angel, getting stoned? huh huh!!!).

So what did I realize I hear you ask? (in case anyone ever reads) I have realized that (drum rolls.. ta daa!!) I have turned into a total loser. I mean, what the f%^&in hell man!!!! I always had a dream in life. Always. I have to confess that even in my stoner hippie days when everyone else was drawling about some newfound epiphany I used to close my eyes and picture myself putting on a dapper pinstripe suit and doing all the things that people in dapper pinstripe suits do. Or I used to dream about being some kind of a creative guy wandering around the world selling off my work in an exhibition in Vienna one day and hiking through the drug mafia infested Andes another. Two totally contrasting dreams but tangible nevertheless. And what the hell did I turn into? A drifter. Ever since I had the distinct feeling of sharp pain like someone electrocuted my balls and then punched me in the solar plexus in January 2007 I totally lost it. I sleepwalked through the bloody most important part of my two years of MBA, never paying any bloody attention to the most important parts of the recruitment process while everyone else around me kept busting their hump off. I didn’t even do any of the supercool crazy things that I thought I would pursue instead of a regular career. Instead I let myself be led by external forces like some fucking dry leaf being bullied around by an autumn wind.

And a year and half later I wake up from this reverie holding a drink in my hand, making fun conversations with some really nice new friends. It pissed me off. I might say I am pissed off at lady luck for handing me the short fucking end of the stick again or at people around me who did not care enough to beat some sense into my head with a bloody two by two. But really, I am pissed off at myself. How and when the fuck did I turn into a goddamn vegetable man! I mean I read some of the posts that I wrote on my blog and they made me gag. They had that putrid air of the rotting vegetable that was me. I feel old, set back by some really really vital years of my life, somewhere at the bottom of the heap and it is all MY FAULT (ok discount the hyperbele please, as always I was a little dramatic there)

Honestly, I don’t know what I am going to do about this once this anger subsides. I want to pick up the pieces and get my fucking act together. I want to reclaim my dreams, my ambitions. I want to be the man that I always wanted to be. But this feeling of lethargy lingers in my cells, an atrophy set in for a long time. I want to fight it though. I want to say “I am sorry” over and over again. But unlike other days, today I want to apologize to myself. Hopefully there will be a comeback, a Shameek V2.0 (man that was a little geeky wasn’t it !!). I hope I have learnt from my mistakes and they have made me a better, stronger man. But, then again, who knows? I might wake up tomorrow as that dumbfuck radiation soaked cabbage that I was all this while. I hope to God that I don’t.